Ten Life Lessons Learned Over 96 Years

My Mother-in-Law Shares Her Wisdom with Us

If you’ve followed me for a while on Medium, you may remember a series of articles I’ve written about “When Someone You Love is Dying,” which describes the journey my mother-in-law, Mildred, and her family have been on since she was diagnosed with cancer over three years ago.  I’m happy to share that she’s still with us, of sound mind, although her body is pretty tired these days.  A few of you have inquired about her recently and sent good wishes, which I’ve shared with her – much appreciated by both of us – and I thought I’d give you an update on this journey, only this time, instead of focusing on the illness and how we’re dealing with it, I’d like to share some of the wisdom Mildred has offered us at my request.  To live to be 96 is to learn many things, and I think a lot of them are worth sharing, so here we are.

When I first had the idea, she wasn’t sure she’d learned enough in her lifetime to write a whole article or that people would be interested in what she had to say.  Silly lady!  I told her I knew she’d learned a lot, because she’d taught me a lot.  After spending some time together, discussing some of her thoughts and ideas, we were able to narrow things down to the following ten life lessons she hopes you’ll find helpful.

Lesson #1:  Keep your sense of humor at all times, even when it’s hard to laugh. 

            Mildred stated that she doesn’t know how people “do” life without being able to laugh about it, and she includes that it’s important to be able to laugh at yourself, too.  She brought up the many times we both laughed during her chemo treatments, even though she admits that wasn’t a fun time!  The people around us were usually so quiet, but by the time we left, they’d usually joined in for a giggle or two.  Even the staff were happy to see us and said we brightened up the joint.  I’ve told her for years that she serves as the comic relief I need when I’m under stress for some reason, and I can’t remember a time we got together when we didn’t find something to laugh about.  Laughter really is the best medicine!

Lesson #2:  Don’t allow others to make decisions for you.

            Mildred shared that it took her a long time to learn this lesson, but these days, she’s got it down pat.  Much of her life, she didn’t want to argue with people, and she often gave in to the advice of others when it came time to make a choice, because she knew they meant well, and they were trying to help her.  She has, over the years, learned how to politely decline others’ advice in favor of following her own.  I remember when she moved into her new home several years ago, and she was deciding where to place furniture, etc.  I chimed in with what I would do if it was my place.  She replied, “Okay.”  Just “okay,” that was it.  Then she proceeded to do things her own way, which she should have.  I just found it funny that she didn’t waste any extra time or words in disagreement or explanation, just quietly proceeded on her own path.

Lesson #3:  Don’t offer people advice, except very sparingly, and wait until they ask for it.

            I realize this lesson might seem contradictory to what this article does, but it’s not.  I asked Mildred to share some wisdom with us, not give us advice.  Whether or not you take it as advice is up to you, but personally, her wisdom usually serves me well.  She shared that most people tell you their problems, not so you can solve them or offer advice on how to handle a situation, but usually, they just want someone to listen to them, so they have an outlet for their frustration.  She suggests that learning to be a good listener is more important than offering advice.  Offer compassion.  Offer love and support.  But keep the advice to a minimum, unless you’re asked for it, and even then, give it in small doses.  When advice backfires, it can be most unpleasant for all involved.

Lesson #4:  Money doesn’t solve everything, although it comes in mighty handy in many situations. 

It’s easy to say money isn’t important when you have it.  There were times in her life when she didn’t have much of it, especially when her children were growing up, and she worried because of it.  These days, she’s more comfortable, and she makes it a point to try to share it with those who need it when she can.  She often gives to charities, and she’s very generous with family members.  She reminds herself often of everything she has to be grateful for, and she knows there are many who struggle more than she does, despite her health issues.  She believes with all her heart that you always get more back than what you give, whether it’s time, effort, money, or anything else.

Lesson #5:  If someone lets you down, maybe it’s your fault, rather than theirs. 

            We never know what another person is going through and what might interfere with them accomplishing something even when they have every intention of getting it done.  Sometimes, we can set the bar too high for a person to reach.  Maybe we can do some things that others just can’t for whatever reason.  Rather than getting mad at someone who doesn’t do what you expected them to do, reach for compassion for them and acknowledge that the problem might be with you and your expectations, rather than them.

Lesson #6:  You don’t always have to share your fears and concerns with others.  Sometimes, you can hide them, even from yourself.

            This is kind of a combination of “fake it ‘til you make it,” and “bluff ‘til it’s enough.”  Mildred doesn’t enjoy whiners.  There have been times in her life when she wasn’t necessarily comfortable and confident when doing something, but she didn’t see any point in complaining about it with others or freaking out about it.  Most times, she just gave it her best shot, and it turned out okay, and before she knew it, she wasn’t so fearful or uncomfortable anymore.  She gained confidence as she went along. 

Lesson #7:  Never hesitate to ask for help when you need it, because most people are happy to help you. 

            Mildred says we shouldn’t let pride get in the way when we’re in need of help, and there is someone available who is willing to help us.  Everybody needs help sometimes, and there are so many people who are willing to help if they know you need it.  Asking them helps you, and it makes them feel good to know they made a difference.  Born in Canada, her people from England, Mildred was raised to “neither complain nor explain,” but she says asking for help is smart, not the same as complaining at all.  It’s taking charge of the situation, rather than letting it get the best of you.

Lesson #8:  Smile more.  At everyone.

            Mildred has traveled all around the world, including to places where she didn’t speak the language.  She noticed that when you smile at someone, it’s nearly always returned, and it communicates in a way that words cannot.  It sets a positive tone for any communication that follows. 

Lesson #9:  Simplify your life as much as possible. 

            Why make life more complicated than it already is?  So many people add to their stress by having more than they need and struggling to manage it, by doing things the hard way, rather than the easy way, and forcing themselves to comply with things they really don’t want to do.  Just today, I told her I was having some friends over for lunch this weekend, and I was making the main dish, but I’d bought the side dishes, because I just didn’t want to bother with making them myself.  She cheered me on and said there was no reason to make things any more complicated, and if buying the sides made my life easier, she was all for it.  Why do it the hard way, when there’s a shortcut you can take?

Lesson #10:  Count your blessings, not your troubles.

            Mildred made it a point to say she got this one from my dad, but I can attest she lives by it just the same.  Mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer over three years ago.  Initially, she wasn’t planning on getting any treatment, but due to the kind of breast cancer she has, it turned out to be her best option, according to the oncologist.  The goal was never to prolong her life, but rather to manage the cancer in such a way that she could remain comfortable.  Although she stopped chemotherapy a couple of years ago, she had radiation therapy less than a year ago, although it was a much abbreviated, minimum treatment which, again, made her cancer easier to manage. 

None of the cancer treatments made her sick.  Between her health insurance and Medicare, she was able to finance all medical treatments without issue.  She lives in a nice apartment in a retirement community, still living independently with the help of two caregivers who come for a few hours a day as well as getting support from her family.  She uses a walker and tries to walk outside when the weather is nice and inside the building when it’s not.  She recently bought a lifting chair to help her get up and down more easily.  She’s hard of hearing, and she’s lost the sight in one eye.  There are days she doesn’t feel very good, and she’s tired all the time, but she looks at what’s going on in the world and how so many people are struggling, and she counts her blessings, rather than her troubles.  She says she has so much to be grateful for, and because of that, she has no reason to complain.  She says there are so many people worse off than she is. 

She has no idea what an inspiration she is to so many of us. When someone tells her that, she truly doesn’t understand. When we first started working on this article together, she wasn’t sure she had much to offer. Sometimes, she feels like a burden and doesn’t think she contributes anything. How wrong she is! I’ve learned so much from her and continue to file away the lessons she exemplifies.

She told me one of the hardest things about living so long is that she sometimes feels she’s the only one left. Her youngest sister is still living in Canada, but her other three younger siblings and, I believe, all of her cousins are gone. She’s outlived one of her three sons, my late husband, and her youngest has some serious health issues with which he’s struggling. All of her friends have passed away, and she simply doesn’t want to outlive anyone else she knows. 

She says she’s ready to go home, and she’s not afraid to die. She looks forward to seeing her husband and son and the other people she loves again. Sometimes, she doesn’t know why she’s still here. I just tell her that she either has something more to learn or something more to teach the rest of us. We are indeed fortunate to have such a wonderful teacher and example of how to be a good human being.