It's Not Easy to Overcome Our Upbringing

The Archangels About Outgrowing Past Beliefs

While visiting my son and his family recently, they told me about another family they knew who were struggling, because their son was rebelling about what he was being taught in a private, Christian school.  Basically, he was being told who he should hate, including the LGBTQ+ community, Muslims, and the rest of the people so commonly misunderstood, feared, and persecuted by the Christian nationalists, evangelicals, and MAGA type groups, and the boy disagreed with these lessons and ideals.  He was beginning to get into trouble, because he took exception to what they were teaching him.

The father wanted to pull his son out of the school and enroll him in a public school, while the mother balked at the idea.  I was already drifting into judgment, which I really try not to do, and I asked, “How could anyone want their child to be taught to hate other people?”  Then my daughter-in-law explained a bit more about the mother, and it really made me think.  She said the woman’s entire identity was tied up in this “Christian” culture of hate.  All of her best childhood memories were of going to church, attending youth camps, being praised for being such a fine, good, upstanding Christian girl, then woman, then mother, etc.  She was probably told that she was a shining example of someone who did everything right, a great testimony to her upbringing, loved by God for her choices and exemplary behavior.  Her entire support base, friends and family she’d known and been accepted by and loved by her whole life were connected to this system that had raised and molded her.  She was at the top of the heap, a shining example of success, of someone who turned out beautifully and was highly respected and loved by all.

My daughter-in-law went on to say something to the effect of “If she wasn’t who she is, she wouldn’t know who or how to be.”  This mother’s fearful response to the idea of removing her son from the school that was teaching him to hate other people had nothing to do with the curriculum or ideology, but instead with things such as what people would think if their children stopped going to that school, because everyone she knew sent their children there.  The fallout for her, her children, her husband, and everything they’d done during their lives, the potential loss of acceptance was more than she could easily handle.  I wondered if it came to a choice between doing what was best for her son or losing her identity, which option she would choose.  I’m guessing part of her believed it was the best place for him, because she wanted him to have the acceptance and support she believed she’d always had, even though that support and acceptance, that love, was clearly very conditional.  Without a doubt, the family was in for some rough times ahead, and I hope they’re able to find their way through them.

Those of us who disagree with the beliefs of Christian Nationalists, evangelicals, and MAGAs often stop seeing them as people in some ways.  Their ideas and beliefs are so offensive and reprehensive to more moderate, liberal, and progressive people, they are often viewed as backward, uneducated, bigoted, hateful people undeserving of compassion and acceptance.  We don’t have to accept or excuse their beliefs and actions, but extending compassion and trying to understand them better is not only necessary, but essential. 

People like the mother described in the above story are lost and afraid, and they are terrified to act or be different from what they’ve always been and known.  The only joy, love, and acceptance they’ve ever experienced has stemmed from the twisted teachings they received from as far back as they can remember, and not only do many not know of a better or different way to live, but even if they did, they would lose everything familiar, supportive, and comfortable in their lives if they ventured in another direction.  They would become the outsiders they were told and warned about after being on the inside looking out their entire lives.  They’ve been shaped and molded by people who they loved and trusted, who encouraged them to strive for a prescribed excellence, and they’ve been praised for every step they’ve taken towards that goal.  It’s no wonder it’s so difficult to break out of that mold, because they’d not just be breaking from a belief system, but from everything and everyone they’ve known, who have played important roles in their lives.

It’s easy to dismiss these people and think of them based on labels without seeking to understand the whole person.  Everyone craves acceptance, and most human beings are social animals who crave community of some kind.  The latest research regarding healthy aging includes spending time with other people.  If you’re familiar with Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits series, one of the seven habits which I’ve tried to take to heart for decades is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  The Archangels are always telling us we need to unite for change, so I asked them to comment on this idea of breaking from an upbringing that no longer fits comfortably and the likelihood of people being able to do this, and their response follows.

Question:  How difficult and how likely is it that people will be able to discard old beliefs and practices that they were raised to follow in favor of newer ways of doing things?  Is there anything other people can do to help with this process?

Answer:  

We would like to start be stating, at the risk of sounding repetitious, that most people are not extremists.  Yes, the groups you mentioned in your introduction fit this definition, but in many cases, the extremism is mostly indicative of their leaders and those who are in power positions, who have groomed their followers to, as you said, hate certain other groups they perceive as threats, but most people, whether or not they say they agree with them, have reservations regarding these teachings, because human beings do not hate naturally.  Hate is not soothing or comforting, and for the most part, it is a learned and conditioned response.  Most people are not willing to harm others simply because they are different, even if they prefer to avoid them or believe they are unacceptable in some way. 

It is true that most human beings are social and seek community and acceptance.  This leads many to join groups where they believe they can find these things.  It is well known that cult leaders seek out people who are missing these things, because they are easier to manage and control when they think they will be part of a community who accepts and supports them, and initially, this is what is sold to them in most cases.  For people who have never been accepted or supported, it is a powerful way to draw them into the fold.

For people who have been raised in such a community, as long as abuse and persecution are aimed at members outside of the community and not at them, it is often considered a safe and good place to be.  As long as they live by the community standards, rules, and acceptable behaviors, they are often content, and in many cases, spending time with people outside the community is frowned upon.  You see people leaving a community when they are exposed to doing things differently and find them more practical or acceptable than what they have experienced in their own community, when they stray from the acceptable behaviors, or when they begin to outwardly question what they have been told and previously accepted.  This is often met with reprimands, persecution, shaming, and unacceptance, because they have dared to stray beyond the constraints that have been imposed upon them from the beginning.  If they persist in this unaccepted behavior, they are either expelled for fear of them “contaminating” other members, or they leave on their own once they grow beyond blind acceptance.  Some people, however, never find the strength to leave, so they continue on in silence and misery.

The longer lasting and more closed off the community is, the harder it is for someone to leave.  Most question the teachings they receive if they go against human nature – and hate towards others does indeed go against it – even if they do so silently.  Whenever people are lumped under one prescriptive label, it becomes apparent rather quickly when you spend time with multiple members of this group, that the stereotypes and generalizations and accusations spouted about them are not true for everyone.  Still, even when people begin to see the errors in their upbringing and programming, they often either reconcile them to fit within what they have been told or acknowledge the errors and conclude that, overall, the community is worth overlooking the discrepancies in view of the other things offered, usually acceptance, praise, and support.  You would be surprised to discover that most people within any group disagree with many of the rules, teachings, and behaviors, but they stick with them for the sense of belonging and acceptance and silently dismiss that with which they disagree.

There is a mass exodus from religions of all kinds right now, because people are no longer accepting belief systems that are controlling, exclusionary, or persecuting towards others. The new energy on Earth no longer supports these things, and so they are no longer comfortable, and people are leaving behind these structures.  However, most who were active and constant in their participation, while not struggling with leaving behind the beliefs and practices, continue to miss the community of support and acceptance.  They no longer feel as though they belong in the old group, but they have yet, in many cases, to find a replacement group in which to participate, and they desire to belong to a group.  Even though they do not wish to participate in the old group any longer, there is still, in many cases, a profound sense of loss they feel upon exiting, a void they seek to fill.

You asked what you could do to help others with this process, and the simple answer is to be welcoming and accepting of those who seek acceptance and community of some sort, regardless of where they come from and what they have done in the past.  Endeavor to shelve the judgment and offer kindness and compassion, instead.  Ask yourself if you would have the courage to leave a group where you have been accepted and supported for another that judges and condemns you for the past because of the label you were assigned.  Most would not venture away from that which is habitual and established, even if they no longer feel as comfortable as they did there in the past.

If you treat everyone with kindness, people will automatically begin to wonder who you are, where you come from, who you spend time with, where you go, etc., whereas if you are unkind, they will simply avoid you.  It takes an enormous amount of courage to simply begin to question your upbringing and pursue new ideas, much less leave behind everything you’ve ever known.  It is not simply a matter of recognition that something is wrong or adjusting your beliefs to better suit your new awareness and awakening, it is being willing to exit not only a belief system itself, along with its conditions and protocol, but all the people, the history, the recognition, and support you have received up to that point, and if the people who are part of that system, who have always been an integral part of your life, are not willing to accept the new you, you must not only find a new place to belong where you are comfortable, but you must also find a new community for support and acceptance.  At this time, especially with such a mass exit from past communities that no longer meet the needs of their people, new communities are very difficult to find.  People are feeling lonely and lost.  So, when you meet someone who is lonely and lost, who feels as though they are drifting, without any anchor, provide them with support, even if it is a smile, a kind word, or an offer to join you for some activity.  Feed their spiritual hunger.

The fact is, it is often easier to stay with an old group which no longer fulfills the needs of its members than it is to find a replacement community.  Expecting someone to give up everything and everyone they have ever known simply because they have discovered a new consciousness with new needs and wants is not practical or realistic or even doable for some.  They may or may not reach the point of exit, but judging and condemning them for past mistakes or past labels which they no longer welcome does not help in any way.  Offer them a lifeline.  Offer them an open mind and an open heart.  Model the behavior you wish to see in them and others.  Start a new community, even if it has only a few members that work together or live close to each other or whose children know each other or who frequent the same places.  Make your own, new guidelines for your new community that include acceptance, support, love, and kindness, regardless of what any of them did or believed in the past.  Be the kind of friend you are seeking.

All of you have been lied to and manipulated in the past.  Some have realized this for some time, some are just beginning to question what they have believed in the past, and some are not yet ready to face the possibility that they no longer wish to belong to or participate in a group where they have always belonged.  Everyone must proceed at their own pace and find their own path.  It is no one’s job to judge others’ past behavior or label them as undeserving or unacceptable.  You cannot go wrong if you keep in mind the golden rule of treating others as you wish to be treated.  Everyone is deserving of compassion, no matter who they are or what they have done.  If you give people the room they need to expand their minds and seek answers to their questions, they will evolve and change, but if they are condemned for the past and boxed in by judgment, they will not pursue that change. 

Set aside your anger, judgment, and grievances against others.  Everyone is doing the best they can, and some people struggle more than others with leaving behind their past beliefs and practices and their needs for structure, acceptance, and community more than others.  Change can be scary, sometimes an enormous and overwhelming undertaking, but kindness and compassion can go a long way in soothing and strengthening those who are considering it.  Your behavior and choices should not reflect anyone else’s, even when dealing with people who have not acted in an acceptable way in your view in the past.  Show them a better way and set the example.

Final Thoughts

People sure do like their labels and categories, don’t we?  Republicans, democrats, conservatives, liberals, progressives, socialists, fascists, MAGA, moderates, and that’s just some specific to the political arena.  But, really, which of those labels describes anyone completely?  Aren’t most of us, depending on the topic, representative of various labels?  Aren’t we more liberal on some things and more conservative on others?  Don’t we all want similar things in the long run, like safety, prosperity, freedom, basic needs being met, and opportunities to thrive?  Don’t we all want to be accepted for who we are and valued as individuals, rather than one of many in any particular group?    

The Angels say we need to focus on the similarities, rather than the differences and find a way to unite for change.  Clearly, the systems in place are no longer working, if indeed they ever did.  Extremists want control and power, so the things they propose and try to put into place revolve around taking choices away from the rest of us.  They want to take freedom and basic rights away from people and force them to do certain things, so they can be more easily controlled.  I don’t want to be controlled, do you?  I want the freedom to live the kind of life I choose, and if someone else wants to live a different lifestyle, that’s okay with me, as long as nobody else gets hurt. 

I think there’s both more and less to people than we often assume.  Going back to the mother in the introduction of this article, for a minute there, I assumed she was a hateful bigot, possibly a religious zealot who’d twisted religion for her own purposes, who wanted to perpetuate the hatred in the world by passing it down to her son.  Shame on me for judging someone so harshly without even meeting them.  I heard about one aspect of her life, and I’d judged and condemned her.  That’s its own kind of bigotry.  I disagree with her choices, but who am I to judge?  I don’t know her, much less ever walked a mile in her shoes, and I shouldn’t assume or pretend to know her or understand her.  All I can do is learn from this and try to remember next time that there is always more to a person than is obvious, and it’s not my place to judge anyone.  Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

We’re all complex beings.  We’re shaped by our upbringing, our environments, the people in our lives, our circumstances, and so many other things.  Everyone is deserving of compassion, especially those who are lost, fearful, and often seem to be hateful.  It’s very difficult to overcome your upbringing, whether it was pleasant, abusive, hateful, religious, problematic, rich, poor, or indifferent.  We’re molded and shaped in those formative years for better or for worse, and it takes an enormous amount of effort and determination to overrule and set aside what we were taught as children.  Even if, as adults, we realize some of the things we were taught were wrong, if we still have strong ties to the people, places, and actions associated with that time and have grown dependent on them, our identity firmly connected to them, it can be very hard to change, often inciting shame and abandonment, which nobody likes.  I can understand why people would want to avoid that kind of upheaval, and if they don’t have any better options for community and support, they may never find the strength change.  We can help by being less judgmental and more welcoming.

The intention for Friday Night Meditation with the Archangels for the month of March is Courage, which is very appropriate for this article and for many of the things happening in the world right now.  If you’d like to participate, at any time today or tonight, or really any day, from wherever you find yourself, just call on the Archangels and offer up loving thoughts and energy to anyone who needs Courage right now, and the Angels will gather it and take it from there, distributing it where it’s needed most.  Whether we could use a little courage in dealing with situations in the world, in our country, our neighborhoods, or our families, we can always ask the Angels for help.  That’s a good and important thing to remember. 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend full to overflowing with joy, hope, love, and peace.

Blessings to all.